The Power of Presence: Why Showing Up Matters

Why is showing up so important in a relationship?

I believe it has to do with the deeper meaning. 

Showing up can mean: I care -  about this relationship, about you, and  about myself. 

It can mean: I am determined to make this work. I don’t give up - on the relationship, on you, on myself. 

It can also mean: I am willing to put my mind and heart to this relationship: for us, for you, and for myself. 

What can showing up look like in your relationship? 

It could look like showing up for the hard conversations — finding the courage to bring up a difficult topic, learning to truly listen, or saying you are sorry. It could mean acknowledging that things are not going well and stepping out of blame or defensiveness. But it could also look like the small gestures — adding presence and connection in the everyday moments.

Researchers Dr. John and Julie Gottman recommend doing small things often. They found in their research that trust is built through little moments (sliding door moments) and that couples that turn toward each other (choosing to respond and to connect) have a much higher chance for a happy relationship (and to stay together!). 

Small Things Often: Relationship Tips from the Gottman Institute

Here are some examples of what other couples have found to be meaningful in their relationship:

Carving out time together:

• Finding a moment every day to check in with each other

• Setting aside time on the weekend to sit down and talk

• Planning a date night (once a month is a good start)

• Making space in your schedule to do a project together

• Working with a couples coach

  
  

Turning toward each other in small moments:

• Taking an intentional few minutes in the morning

• Checking in with your partner in the evening

• Putting aside your phone to be fully present

• Sending a text to check in throughout the day

• Expressing an appreciation

• Expressing physical affection (a hug, a kiss, holding hands, sitting close together)

Showing up for the relationship and for your partner is important. And it is also essential to explore how you want to show up for yourself! 

The Work of Byron Katie is a meaningful tool to look at things from different angles (it’s a method that can feel like mind stretches!) and one aspect that many people find very inspiring is the invitation to wonder how we want to show up for ourselves.

Are there any places where you want to be there for yourself, more than you have been?

What can being there for yourself look like in your life? 

In my personal and professional experience, being there for yourself can meaningfully benefit the relationship as well. Relationships are a journey, and showing up — for your partner, for each other, and for yourself — is one of the most meaningful ways to nurture it.

Judith Pfeiffer is a Couples and Individual Coach based in Memphis, TN, with over a decade of experience supporting people toward connection, clarity, and growth. She works with the Gottman Method and The Work of Byron Katie, and offers coaching sessions and online courses. Learn more about Couples Sessions